embracing all things southern

Don’t come home a-drankin’……with lovin’ on your mind

January 24, 2009 by Edie Wadsworth 5 Comments

I have been privileged in this life to have a sister (Gina) and a cousin who functions for all intents and purposes like a sister (JamieKnoxville). I guess that gives me two sisters. And today is Jamie’s birthday. So in her honor I give you a little peek into our shady past. She sent me this picture for Christmas enlarged to a 5×7 with the sole purpose of making fun of my rusty little shoes. (I’m sporting the bottle and she’s to my left rubbing her eyes). She also pointed out my mom’s stylish pants. That’s my daddy with the hat on. He was always making us laugh!

And here we are years later, celebrating the high school graduation of her daughter Jordan. That’s Jamie in the back (middle). I know….. she’s gorgeous! And that’s my sister Gina to my right. I know, she’s a beauty too! The three of us have always been close knit. That probably stems from the fact that we share a past that had it’s dark and twisty elements. Our parents were party-ers back in the day….in a hillbilly/George Jones/Coal Miners Daughter kind of a way. We’ve spent the last 20 years calling each other on the phone saying, “Omigosh, do you remember the time….they left us in the car for 4 hours with a bottle of RC and some fritos while they went honky-tonkin’……or the time y’all moved in with us ’cause soandso ‘busted out all the winders’…..or all the funerals we went to together and made fun of the ‘Jesus called’ plastic telephone…..or the time we visited our cousin in prison…….you know, just normal family memories. I guess all families are dysfunctional, but the fact that we’re not all three in a psych ward somewhere rocking back and forth, is almost amazing.

The great thing about it though….is that we have each other. Jamie remembers EVERYTHING in painful detail. She’s been like a therapist/best friend/sister all wrapped into one. I guess my ADD has served me well…in that, I’ve forgotten a lot of the crazy jazz that we went through and what I do remember is usually cased in a gracious amount of laughter. So, Jamie, here’s to your birthday. (I’m holding up my glass of wine…and I’ve ordered Gina an apple martini). I love you like no other. I thank you being to me what noone else could have been. I thank you that you know my story and love me anyway. I think Gina still holds a grudge against you for always making her be Haus’s wife when we played Bonanza. Oh course, you always got Little Joe….which left me with Adam. But all grudges aside, I apologize that I didn’t manage to video myself singing Satin Sheets for your big day. I think you’ll like this one though. We know all the words. I’m singing it realloud.

Moments that make you go "Do What"

January 20, 2009 by Edie Wadsworth 14 Comments

Let’s first deconstruct the ‘do what’. You have to have a similiar look on your face to Emme in this picture when I told her to hand over those chips. Keep in mind that the phrase is a southern substitute for ‘huh’ or ‘pardon me’. You must say the ‘what’ very high-pitched and in two or three syllables. Our family loves this phrase and even Marcus is excited to use it in context next time he’s at UT. Now back to : moments that make you say “Do whaaaat?”

1. When I brought my new iPhone home yesterday and Steve’s iPhone which has worked perfectly since August instantly said ‘No service’ and stopped working. At all. Do what?

2. And when he called AT &T twice and went to AT&T and then called Apple and was on the phone F.O.R.E.V.E.R. , nobody can tell him why his phone suddenly doesn’t work. Do what?

3. When we were so exhausted and stressed from the iPhone fiasco that we (namely I) couldn’t stay awake for 24. Yeah I know that’s a doozy of a Do What.

4. And then my 2nd brand new NIKON d90 shows the first sign of the same weird malfunction as the first. I think I am destined to take mediocre pictures and videos. And NIKON better have some answers for me today baby. ‘Cause I may have more in my linguistic arsenal than ‘Do What’ for them. I just may have to throw out the “I guess I’ll return it for a Canon” and see where that’s get me. Don’t mess with a girl who wears heavily applied eye shadow. And says “Do what” instead of “pardon”.

5. We are on our fourth router in four years. I’m beginning to think we have some sort of twilight zone magnetic field in this house that screws up all electronics. Problem is, the teens’ technology always seems to work fine. Do what?

6. Stevie may want to take my iPhone with him today since he has actual patients to take care of and real medical calls to take. I’ll gladly give it to him but first I’ll say ‘Do what?’.

7. Lyndsay Johnson, the sweet and prompt and talented girl who has taken on the ginormous task of rescuing me from destroying my blog, says she might get done today. DO WHAAAT?

8. It seems the only piece of technology in our house which works like a charm every time is the old fashioned tape recorder. And my children are always bumfuzzled by it. I wish more things in my life always worked by just pushing PLAY.

So when was your last ‘do what’ moment?

Family Tradition

December 26, 2008 by Edie Wadsworth 7 Comments

My family gathered for the last hurrah! last night and feasted on steak and shrimp. It was a delightful dinner and I’m pretty sure I pulled some ab muscles laughing so hard. I literally fell onto the floor laughing at one point…..not to be confused with me literally falling out of the bed last night…(thanks for all the concern about my possibly fractured hip, Stevie). We performed our redneck version of the 12 days of Christmas and recorded it to send to my JamieKnoxville (my beloved cousin who makes her home among the yankees of New Joisey). She could be in debt to me for life for orchestrating that piece of musical prowess. Loretta Lynn ain’t got nothin’ on me. If you’re quick on the draw, you might be able to see it later today mingled into an older post. But in the interest of protecting the last ounce of self-respect I still possess, I’m not leaving it there long. If you do happen to view it, remember two things. 1. Most of my relatives call me ‘sister’. 2. The favorite funeral decoration among us is the plastic phone carefully nestled among all manner of carnations that reads “Jesus called”. Need I elaborate? I didn’t think so.
And for those of you who are wondering how ‘baby dog’ is doing. He’s absolutely the most darling adorable little pooch you’ve ever seen. And in the interest of preserving all things southern, we named him HANK. Max sounded too much like he was from New York and wore argyle sweaters…..and had a doggy umbrella. HANK has a certain “I drive a Ford f150 and have a rifle rack” sound. He’s much more of a HANK. And since our family has a really bad habit of butchering all names, I knew that within the hour, we’d be calling him Maxipad.
Scooter (our other dog) has refused all acknowledgement of baby HANK. He pretends not to see him at all….and when HANK comes in for a sniff, he growls. Nice. Way to show him some southern hospitality Scooter. Where are your doggie manners. You should be showing him around…..showing him where to find all the dirty underwear and shoes. You should be giving him the scoop on mealtimes and doggie treats. But no. You refuse to welcome Baby Hank to the family. Just wait til he’s 50 pounds and giving you the cold shoulder. You won’t like it then buddy.
So, in 24 hours, here’s what we’ve called him

Hankie

Hankie Doodle

Hammerin’ Hank

Bocephus

Hanky Panky

Hanker

Hankerin’

Spanky Hanky

Hank-a-hank-a-burnin’ love

Tom Hanks

Hanks-a-million

Hank Jr.

The Incredible Hank

Hank You. Hankyouverymuch.

Hanks-a-lot

and songs we’ve sung to him:

“Hey, hey good lookin’ whatcha got cookin'” by Hank Williams

Hankie Doodle went to town a-riding on a pony

“They get on me wanna know Hank why do ya drank” by Hank Jr.

I’m sorry little baby dog. Living here will at least be interesting.

Hope your Christmas was merry!

Beam me up, Stevie……..

December 15, 2008 by Edie Wadsworth 27 Comments

My life has changed so dramatically over the past two years that it’s hardly believable that it’s the same person living in my skin.

The only way I can be absolutely sure that it is indeed me is by the fact I still charge into, say, the dining room at lightning speed with a definite purpose and plan—only to be completely unable, when I get there, to remember why I came. Thirty minutes later when I need the pewter water pitcher, I remember why it was I was charging into the dining room. Those are the moments I’m most sure that the essence of who I am is the same. Pathetic, I know. Otherwise it seems to all have changed.I no longer dress up everyday and leave the house in a whirlwind to do something ‘important’—-like treat hypertension and gout. I no longer have people to help me live my life, like a nanny (I miss you Kimmy) and a pool guy and a cleaning lady and a nurse. It’s just lil’ ole me, my children and husband, my house, and my laptop, wearing lounge pants all day and making enough homeade bread to feed the five thousand. I feel like I’m in a permanent state of ‘hunkered down’, which reminds me of the time I photographed all my children doing their best ‘hunker down’ pose. I love that phrase and I loved even better their attempts to humor me.

So, in a nutshell, I quit working, started homeschooling, became Lutheran, and started blogging.

All things that might make your average Southern neighbor look at you with the same disdain as if you had just said you were giving up coloring your hair and would soon be leaving for a Star Trek convention followed by a move to Waco Texas to live in a commune.I’ve got no lies to tell, it ain’t been easy.

People understand a real job in which you must first get dressed and then go do a pap’s smear. People do not understand a job which has no dress code, requires that you rarely leave your house, and in which your fifty favorite ‘coworkers’ live in your computer. To make matters worse, you find yourself involved in online Christmas tours and virtual cookie exchanges. Imagine my chagrin when I’m trying to explain to my friend Donia why I won’t be here for the first day or two when she comes into town because I’ll be at a blogging convention. I said it quiet like that and then had to repeat myself. Seven times. It didn’t go well. For her or me. I wrote about Donia here and she’s a truetolife-wonderful friend-tease the %$#@ out of ya for going to your Star Trek convention- kinda of a girl.

It’s moments like that when I want to call some real friend and go out for real, highly caffeinated coffee and eat a real cookies and……*talk*. And talk and talk and talk. Instead of type…and type….and type. And I would do that, except my girls and I are attached at the hip and I’ve got bread to bake and teenagers to mold into decent adults and presents to wrap——and well, a lot of typing and hunkering down to do.

This has been an exciting blogging week for me because of this and this and even if many people don’t ‘get’ it, I love my new life. I love my new ‘job’ and I love my new ‘coworkers’ and I love my favorite new hobby. So don’t worry about me yet. My hair is blonder than ever (dangerously resembling trailer trash blond) and I’m just as wowed by all the new colors at MAC as always. It’s still me in here, heavy on the eye makeup, lip gloss and feathered bangs, learning to live in the delicate balance that exists between mom-and-teacher, friend-and-lover, saint-and-sinner, and real.live.human-and-blogger.

And as always, the incredible man that I share my life with seems to ‘get’ me. Even the new/less glamorous/bookworm/computer geek/ever-so-slightly-heavier me.

And I love that about him.

Southern Women 101………

December 12, 2008 by Edie Wadsworth 50 Comments

Things you should know about southern women:

1. We love all things ‘hair’—‘fixin’ our hair, dyin’ our hair, teasin’ our hair—-you get my drift.
2. We have two commandments: ~ thou shalt not go out in public without lip gloss and mascara ~ thou shalt surely have cute hair. Don’t mess with Texas. Or Tennessee.
3. We take pride in our warmth and friendliness-–translated, we frequently invade your personal space. We’re huggers, kissers, touchers of all kinds.
4. We make strong eye contact and teach our children to ‘look in their eyes’ and say yes ma’am. Our children will probably be eating iced sugar cookies when they say yes ma’am. But they’ll say it. Amen.
5. We have been accused at times of being superficial…..call it what you like, but despite the fact that I’m reading “The Imitation of Christ” by Thomas a Kempis, my daughter (Caiti) and I will certainly do hitchkicks and spirit hands (we were both cheerleaders) when MAC comes out with a new lip gloss. Y’all think I’m kiddin’ but I just pulled my psoas muscle tryin’ to see if I could still do a hitchkick.
6. We love makeup and all things girly. We love bows and glitter and ribbon and animal print and cookies with icing on top. I have yet to meet a woman, from say, Connecticut, who would dare add trans-fat and high-fructose-corn-syrup infested butter cream icing on to an already suspect chocolate chip cookie. Our motto, “what’s better than a cookie? a cookie with icing on top”.
7. Our official anthem is ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ and watch out if this starts playing while we’re chatting with you at a Christmas party about the current economic crisis…..or the latest new shade of lip gloss. We scan the room for any sign of a girl who looks like she has cheerleader in her past and head on to the dance floor as we sing, “singin’ songs about the southland…..I miss Alabamy once again and I think it’s a sin”
Economics can wait. And you can borrow the new lip gloss while I dance….’cause I’ve already got the new color.
8. Our daughters are the ones with the ribbons in their hair……from birth. It’s just part of our morning routine. Did you have some breakfast? Brush your teeth? Put your ribbon in? We buy ribbon by the spool not the yard. In all manner of colors and patterns.
9. We monogram everything. We’re like sorority sisters who never got over themselves. Only sweeter. We suck you in to our various and sundry habits too. Move here from New York and soon you’ll be monogramming, eating iced sugar cookies, and teasin’ your hair. And droppin’ the ‘g’ from the endin’ of every word. And sayin’ y’all. And gettin’ your nails done.

10. We are almost always smiling. Because our mothers and Phyllis Diller told us that ‘ a smile sets everything straight’ . Which is why we’re all now considering Botox. That could be the one downside I see of being southern. All those facial lines from all those years of smiles and laughter. Mark Twain even said “Wrinkles merely indicate where the smiles have been”. Yeah, sadly we see that now. Thanks mom.
11. We love to have people in our home. We pay serious attention to how are homes ‘look’ from the outside…..is their plenty of lighting? Does it beg me to ‘stop by’? That southern hospitality thing is serious business around here. There’ll be place cards and token gifts and flowers and candles and lots of homeade desserts. Our guest rooms will have the latest issues of Southern Living and Cottage Living and we’ll go the extra mile to make sure you’re comfy. Granted, we’ll talk your head off and make you watch football and Steel Magnolias and probably invite you along to attend someone’s funeral with us…..but the experience will be memorable. And in case we forget to warn you, the casket will be open and various relatives will comment on how ‘Hank never looked better’. I never even realized this wasn’t standard practice until last year. I had already picked out my outfit and requested a hairstyle for my ‘departing day’.
12. We all have dogs. We keep our dogs inside. The image of Paula Deen cooking with the dog shedding his hair under her feet comes to mind. We love our dogs. And name them things like Sceeter and Scooter. Hypothetically, of course.

Speaking of cooking, we love bacon fat….and every southern women I have ever met has a jar of bacon fat somewhere in her cupboards. Be careful when you pull out a cup to get some coffee.

13. We overutilize the words honey, darlin’, sugar, sweetie pie..….and that’s when we’re talking to the UPS man. We like our tea sweet and our cookies iced. We like our nails pretty and our jeans comfortably tight. We wear boots in the winter and flip flops in the summer and have very large purses which contain more makeup than the average female from Wisconsin has in her possession altogether. We realize that some of these qualities are short comings and make all manner of resolutions to learn and do better.

Y’all have any questions? ‘Cause there’s a lot of myths going around about Southerners and I could set the record straight.

* A brief update- due to the enormous amount of will power it takes to ‘do’ school near Christmas time, I promised my girls a series of hitchkicks if they finished their math quickly. They came through…….and I did not disappoint.*

Christmas Tour of Homes………

December 10, 2008 by Edie Wadsworth 80 Comments

Grab a cookie cookie and come on in!

I am so excited to be linking to all these festive Christmas tours.

Ya’ll are gonna love this cookie recipe. We’re just making iced sugar cookies (recipe here) and putting the final touches on our decorations. The ‘little’ girls wanted to show you their tree first and then we’ll move on to the rest of the house.
They love this white tree and the colors we used coordinate well with their girly room. And we sorta have a love affair going on with ribbon. It’s a southern thing.

Welcome to this Christmas tour sponsored by the BooMama and Hooked on Houses and Kimba……and welcome to my home. I was so happy to participate in this linky party and in fact am using alot of the same pictures I used for Nester’s garland party…….so hope you don’t mind. These fun linky parties gave me the added ‘kick in the tail’ I needed to finish my decorating. I am so happy with how it all turned out and can only say that this garland probably weighs a good 30 or 40 pounds. I pray for the stability and stickiness of 3M tabs…..

And because I have more Christmas decorations than any sane person should, I ‘borrowed’ stuff from the house to make this years’ Christmas cheer fun but cheap. So I snatched the ‘W’ from the kitchen……
and the star I ‘borrowed’ from the breakfast room……
I started with a skinny little anemic garland and added lots of fresh magnolia, cypress and pine and then added my signature Christmas decoration……lots of ribbon!

I had the little evergreen trees from Thanksgiving and put them on candlesticks…..

and voila!! My best garland ever. Thank you Nester for the inspiration.
I took my skills from the garland on the bannister…..which is sadly not finished, so I can only show you this far up.
and I thought you’d enjoy this little jewel…..it’s a cute ‘family tree’ decorated with pictures of all of our brood……..
and this is my favorite tree this Christmas……simple and kinda old-school…..
then there’s the table top tree in the breakfast room…..
and my dining room with a bare but beautiful bird tree…
and a peak into my bedroom where I recently nailed pillow shams right to the wall for window mistreatments (a Nester trick from way back) and added some fun lights for Christmas.
That’s one sure fire thing about being Southern……we know how to do everything ‘big’ and ‘bordering on gaudy’. We tend to be of the ‘more is more’ persuasion. And if you’d like to know more about Southern women, I’ve given a short tutorial here. I would like to add that I’m a brand new reader to BooMama and L.O.V.E her blog. Apparently along with everyone else in the free world. Hope you are inspired to make your Christmas colorful and beautiful!