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life{in}grace

live with more presence, passion, & purpose

confessions

The Power of How You Were Made

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When I was 33 years old, I went to a week long medical conference in Hickory, North Carolina as part of my training to pass my Family Medicine Board exam.  Thankfully, I passed that year, thanks to the VERY BORING training and months of hours of study I did while nursing a baby and taking care of a toddler and two school agers.  Those were good times.

The first day of the conference, I walked into the room and it was a sea of gray and navy and black suits with slim briefcases and those fancy pens with the nibs. 80% or more were men and there was a very serious vibe hovering over the room.

I walked in like Elle Woods walking into Harvard Law, minus the dog and the expensive suit, my papers spilling over from my colorful tote which was holding my 10 tubes of lip gloss and scads of colored pencils and pens and highlighters and Sharpies.  Wearing a summer dress and wedges and a denim jacket. I did not look like any of the other physicians there. NONE of them.

I sat down by a very respectable doctor and his very respectable and tidy leather binder with a steno pad in it.  Pulling out my inspirational notebooks and my plethora of colorful writing utensils, he probably wished I’d sat somewhere else, except that by the end of the day, we were chums and I knew EVERYTHING possible to know about him—his wife’s name, how many kids he had, where he had trained, where he was practicing, what struggles he was facing in his town, and many more details.

Right away, I could tell he was shy and genuine and trustworthy and despite the fact that the two of us were NOTHING alike, I think we’d both say we were glad our paths crossed.

At first glance around that huge conference room,  I felt self-conscious of who I was, maybe ashamed. I had thoughts like: I should be more serious, I should buy a suit, I should wear more navy and black, I should stop wearing so much make-up, I need a leather binder, I should stop using colored markers, I should, I should, I should.

Later when I set up my own family practice office, I did it like no one else I’ve known.  The rooms were repainted and decorated.  I bought lamps and artwork for the exam rooms and games and puzzles for the kids and I did it because that’s what came naturally to me.

I wasn’t trying to be a rebel.  I just wanted to be a doctor like I would naturally be a doctor.

I couldn’t change how I was created, I could only make myself more of who I already was, focusing on what made me unique, what made me me.

It taught me something valuable about life.  I’m never going to the best or the smartest at what I do but I’m the only person who can do what I do in the way I do it—whether that’s cooking dinner or blogging or writing a book or folding a load of laundry.

Not to say that we shouldn’t keep growing and learning because we absolutely need to improve our skills at life—things that make us better wives and moms and creatives and leaders.   I spend a lot of time and money trying to do that.

BUT.  My  shoulds look different than they looked when I was just wanting to fit it. You know them well, they’re the shoulds that tell us we should change who we are to be more like whoever else we’re idolizing at the moment.  My shoulds now look like: I should learn better people skills, I should take a course on business for moms,  I should learn how to quilt, I should take a nutrition course, I should take a course on finances, I should read that book on parenting, and so on and so forth to infinity.

We all need better skills.

But we need you to be you.

And we need you to keep learning so that you can serve the world with the best version of who you were created to be.

And that’s what you need from me too.

When I put away my fears at that conference and let my real true self shine, I focused on the doctor sitting next to me and honored him, instead of spending the whole conference focusing on myself, trying to figure out how to fit in with a sea of black suits, I did what I do best—used my passion for people to show interest and honor to him. I would never have done that if I wanted to act like everyone else in the room.

And trust me, sometimes I still try to hide who I am. I’m still learning.

But what is different about you and me is what makes us special, not what is the same.

Use your uniqueness to  honor and serve others with more passion!

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One of the things I study to get better at being myself and at honoring others is through personality study.  I’d love to know what personality tests you’ve taken and what your results were.

I’m a Blue with yellow and red qualities and ZERO green qualities. My faults are all Blue.

(I’m making the girls take Marc Accetta’s color personality test as we speak.)

I’m an ENFP on the Myers-Briggs but I’m probably actually an extroverted intr0vert because I need a LOT of downtime.

I’m an Enneagram type 4.

I’d love to know yours!!

The Year of the Lord’s Favor

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Last year, on the front page of my journal/notebook/scratchpad, I wrote out the first part of Isaiah 61.  That wonderful passage of scripture is always the old testament reading for January 1st on the PrayNow app, which I adore. It’s also one of my favorite all time passage of scripture and so with it written on page 1 of my notebook, I read it most days and thought about it and mulled over it and tried to superimpose my life over it.

Jesus was handed the scroll of the Prophet Isaiah at the synagogue in Nazareth when he spoke these astonishing words:

 “The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn;  to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified. They shall build up the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former devastations; they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations.”

These are the words that Christ spoke about Himself. He is the One who brings good news, and binds up the brokenhearted and opens the prison. He comfort those who mourn. He raises up the ruined cities.  Because of His overwhelming love for us, we live in the year of the Lord’s favor, the jubilee year, the year that debts are canceled and slaves are set free.

I want that freedom.  That’s why the first few days of the year has always been my very favorite.  A new year, a fresh start, a slew of resolutions, and goals—it’s the perfect storm for holing up in my bed for a few hours with warm socks and warm coffee and an oversized sweater and planning for THE BEST YEAR EVER.  That’s what I tell myself every. single. time.

This year was different.  My uncle died late New Year’s Eve so we spent the first few days of the new year on Brown Mountain, eating ham, soup beans, cornbread and too much mocha cake, sharing stories and stale pots of coffee for too many hours to count.

Our little buddy was with us too.

All that to say, I didn’t finish my book yet and I didn’t finish writing out all my goals.  I don’t even have a word yet for 2016 like all the cool people do.

To top it all off, the combination of crying and laughing in equal parts with equal vigor for the last few days left me puffy eyed and exhausted this morning—the day I was hoping would lead all the others days to goal reaching nirvana.

So, I’m raising my glass (of rewarmed for the third time coffee) to choosing people first over goals and projects and really everything else.  I hope I to cultivate more of that kind of courage in my to do list.

My botched up plan is this:  post Isaiah 61 everywhere I spend my time so that it informs and inspires the rest of my goals.  Sugar detox? Sure, but why?  So that I have more energy to help pry open some prison bars.

Pray on my knees everyday? Yes, but why? So that He will give me new eyes my to see the brokenhearted.

Increase my income? Yes, so that I can bring good news to the poor.

Launch a book? I sure hope so.  Because I pray He uses me to comfort those who have mourned this messy thing we call life.

It’ll probably be the end of January before I get all my plans in order but I sure hope that the God of all grace continues to give me a voice to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.

We are free. Not because of what we can gin up in ourselves on the coat tails of a resolution high, but because He has set us free.

And because of that freedom, we set our sights on them—the precious ones He is putting right in the way of all our tasks and hopes and dreams.  They are not an interruption to our best life ever.

They have been sent to raise up the former devastations of our self obsession.

They are messengers from Him.

I hope we are brave enough to listen.

The Year I Broke Up With Blogging

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Well, you might be happy to know that I’m within days of turning my manuscript in for the third time. Which means, showering is very low on the list right now.  And so is cooking and leaving my house and in general, anything that involves not typing on my computer. Please pray for my general sanity and perseverance and for the health and wellbeing of my family, who are largely surviving on chips and salsa and grilled cheeses.  I’m probably headed to my mountain cabin alone this weekend for a marathon session, in an effort to finish by Monday, my 46th birthday.

But I’m really proud of ALL the changes we’ve made in the book. They’ve all been made for you actually, designed on purpose so you will (hopefully) enjoy the book and not get lost in my sometimes very meandering way of telling a story.  My editor said to me AT LEAST forty times:  “I can appreciate the idea of using flashback here, but I think this chapter will work better if you put it in order.”  And yet, the next chapter?!?!? I thought it would work SO MUCH better in flashback. (Another face palm for my editor)

I think I’ve decided flashback is the protective mechanism I use so as not to fully relive the story I’m trying to tell.

To help me even more to understand why the process has been so grueling and taken so long, my editor actually told me to write a letter to my reader explaining what has been going on with me and this book for the past two years.  Here’s what I wrote:

Dear kind reader,

This is the story I never wanted to tell.  This is the story I’ve been trying to run from for forty years and the story I’ve been skirting around for nearly three.  Though a writer for many years, the words in this volume are all raw and fresh and hard fought.  I wanted to tell you everything but so many times I told you everything but the truth.  So I started again.  And again.  And again.   I tried to write it with fancy literary devices because I figured then you’d think I was really smart.  I tried to hide behind the writing of all my heroes with a plethora of the most beautiful quotes on earth and then I tried hiding behind my family members, undoubtedly the funniest and quirkiest people on earth.  

            I tried to make it a story about theology and then tables and then prodigals and then I wanted it to be a story about fire.  What I didn’t want to write about was the thing that scares me to death.  What I didn’t want you to know was that fatherlessness is my deepest ache—and being untethered and unspoken for my suffocating fear.  And now that I’ve said it and can’t take it back, I will attempt to tell the story that has wrecked me for far too long.  My prayer is that in the telling there’ll be healing, perhaps for both of us.

The process took its toll on me—physically, spiritually, and especially emotionally.  The healing has been slow to come but I know I’m getting  there.

The book editing/writing/overhauling combined with my newly revived love and passion for wellness and essential oils has left precious little time for this little corner of the world.  And I’ve missed it so much.  My teaching schedule and my new friendships that have blossomed this year have been so wonderful and so worth the accidental sabbatical I’ve taken from blogging, but with the book deadline approaching, ALL I can think about are all the things I’ve been meaning to tell you over the past year.  Things like what I’m cooking and what I’m reading, my current uniform and how I’m dealing with my teenagers leaving their childhood room and moving to the basement.  And also how I’m dealing with being alone at home after all those years of homeschooling and what my big reVOLution plans are for 2016.

I can’t wait to dive back in with you.

As I’m setting new goals for the year and making my schedules, I’d love to know what you want.

How can I best serve you here? I’m all ears!

Sending you all my love,

xoxo,

edie

 

What Inspires Me {Others & Baptism & Dying to Self}

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We made a whirlwind trip to Bowling Green, Kentucky this past Sunday to see my niece and nephew get baptized.  I don’t know about you but baptisms are my favorite.  The tears, the joy, the name and life of Christ being imparted to another precious life.  It was the kind of day you hold in your heart and cherish forever.  Those kiddos are some kind of wonderful and so is their momma and so is their pastor and his wife.  Awesome day all around.   My sister, Gina, drove us because well, I’m sure she didn’t think it would be a very good idea to end up in Memphis.  I’m older but she’s everything else.  At least I know my place. #bless

We got back home and had two busy days of volleyball, dance, homework, and packing and my girls left yesterday for a 3 day camping/field trip with their school.  On the way to drop them off, we had an extended version of the talk we have everyday before I drop them off to school.

“Don’t worry about yourselves.  Worry about others.  Don’t fret over where you’re going to sleep or who you’re going to sit with or who you’re going to ride with. Fret about her, who she’s going to sit with, who she’s going to ride with.  Is she okay? Does she need a friend?  If you take care of her, your needs will be met without you even noticing.”

They get so tired of hearing me I’m sure.  What they may not know is that I’m preaching to myself.  I was at an outing and walked into the building by myself the other day and my first thought was, “Will there be anybody here I know? Who will I talk to?  WHO WILL I SIT WITH?”

And then my words snuck into the back door of my brain and I remembered all the talks I give my girls about focusing on others.  It’s so easy to say and not very easy at all to do.  But guess what I ALWAYS find?  When you take care of her, everything else will be okay.  When you focus on her and when you listen to her and when you make sure she has what she needs, your needs will be met without you even noticing.

I heard this at a talk one time and it burned itself into my brain—and I paraphrase, “There are two types of people – those who walk into a room and say: ‘Here I am!’ and those who walk into a room and say: ‘There you are.’”

Here’s the thing.  In our Baptism, Jesus walks into our lives and destroys the darkness.  He puts His very name on us, He puts His life in us, we are now HIS.  We are buried with him into death and raised to walk in newness of life. We are people of the light, we are marked as Ones who have been redeemed.  And now we can bring this hope to the world.  There you are is finally possible.

If you’ve been down in the dumps or if you’ve lost the spring in your step or if you’ve lost your creativity and inspiration or if you’re just too darn focused on yourself (aren’t we all?), start walking into every situation with the thought on your heart, “There you are,” and you will  be AMAZED at what happens.  When you step into her life with interest and light and love, beautiful things will begin to unfold, both in her heart and in yours.

This is what it means to pick up our cross and die.

And this is the baptismal life we have in Christ—trusting in His forgiveness when we fail to love her as we love ourselves and new mercies and new chances every morning.

What Inspires Me, Part 3 {Seeing}

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I’ve been talking about what inspires us lately! Click to read  Part 1 and Part 2.

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What You’re Seeing

We have had the distinct privilege of having a toddler in our lives off and on this summer.

The first thing I want to say about that is #BABYFEET and the second thing I have to say about this is when he reaches for me and says “holdme, holdme, holdme”, my heart burst into a million tiny pieces.

I highly recommend that you find a toddler to hang around with because it’s just the best ever.

One thing that toddlers have a great capacity for is repetition.  Even if you just drove the golf cart past the lawnmower, resulting in high pitched screams of “MAWN-MOWER, MAWN-MOWER, MAWN-MOWER!!!!!”, there’s is a 100% chance that when you drive past it 2 minutes from now, it will be as if you are driving past it for the first time.  Repeat that process ten times and the enthusiasm for driving past the lawn mower does not wane.

It’s been SO good for my teenage girls to see because when a toddler delights in something with SO MUCH FERVOR, it’s hard not to enjoy it with them.  And it begins to eat away at the cynicism with which you see the world.

One thing that I don’t like about we adults and about the teenage years is that snarkiness just creeps in.  It takes so much to impress us or wow us or cause us to feel delight.

We take everything for granted.  We’ve lost the ability to see the everyday miracles.

Let’s continue this discussion on how we SEE the world on Periscope today around 8:30 eastern time.  It’s like live podcasting basically and it’s so much fun!

You’ll find me @lifeingrace there.

If you miss the live stream, just find the archives at katch.me/lifeingrace.

See you there!

What Inspires Me, Part 2 {Listening}

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As we head into fall and with the kids going back to school, I’ve been thinking a lot about what inspires me and what I do with that inspiration.  This is part 2

“When we listen to another, we catch a slight glimpse of their soul.  We create an open page where they are free to write their story.  We help people remember who they are.” ~Radical Hospitality 

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  • Listening To Our Own People

When I was in elementary school and it was report card time, I knew EXACTLY what was coming.  I would get good grades but the teacher would inevitably write in the margin, “Very good student but talks excessively.”  Yeah and not much has changed either.

I’m not naturally a good listener.  Most of us aren’t.   We LOVE to talk, especially about our own selves and our own life and our own kids and our own interests. I have to work at listening.  I have to remind myself to listen and I remind my girls of this everyday.  I’m like the old grandma reminding everybody (and myself) that we have two ears and just one mouth.   When I was in medical school, one of my favorite clinical professors said something to me that may have been the most important thing I learned.  He said, “If you really listen to your patients, they’ll tell you what’s wrong with them.”  I can’t even tell you how many times he was right.  Listening well is a lost art but if you want to become a more effective parent and a more loving spouse and a more successful person at life, practice the art of listening.

But we have to discipline ourselves to pay attention.  We have to put down our phones and our own important agenda and really listen, ask questions, be interested in other people.  This is especially true and especially hard with the people in our own family.  It reminds me of that quote that says if you don’t listen to your kids in the little things, they won’t tell you the big things.  Oh, does that sting. #preachingtomyself

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  • Listening to God

We got home from church yesterday and Stevie commented on how much truth we heard at church, from the hymns to the liturgy to the sermon to communion.  (I highly recommend listening to our pastor as part of your weekly listening. His sermons are so good, so Christ centered.)  As christians, we are called to be hearers of the Word, that’s exactly our job.  After we hear, then we are enlivened to DO but we must hear first.  But do you know how hard it is to make time to hear the Word?! Yes, you do because it’s so hard.  To quieten the chaos of the morning and hear God’s word first thing, to hush the hustle of the week and make hearing His word at church a priority, it’s not easy, I know first hand.

As a practical tip, let me just say that it doesn’t have to take all day.  We use the PrayNow app  and read the psalm every morning on the way to school and then say the Lord’s prayer.  That may not seem like much, but God’s word is powerful and effective and changes our hearts and our minds, even if it’s just a psalm a day.  Start with something that simple and commit to it for 30 days straight and just see how it begins to change your perspective and the rhythm of your days.

  • Listening to Other People

I don’t watch the news.  There I said it. I let Stevie listen and read and then give me the cliff notes.  I only have so much bandwidth and as a creative person with a tendency toward feeling all the feelings, I don’t do well with a steady stream of negative input.  But I do listen to stuff all day long everyday.  Good music, audio books, the out of doors, podcasts, periscopes, kids, dogs, etc.

I will tell you that my ABSOLUTE favorite productivity tool for working around my house is to listen to podcasts or periscopes from people that inspire me.  And my favorite trick? I wear an apron everyday at home,  in part so I can put my phone in the apron pocket and keep working WHILE I listen.  And also? You will probably want to start dinner because you ALREADY have your apron on. That is called winning at life.  Dinner for your family and learning for you.  It’s all the apron, dear ones.

I downloaded podcruncher, a podcasting app and then subscribed to my favorite podcasts there and then follow people who inspire on Periscope. If you’re not on Periscope, you should give it a try. It’s a free live streaming app that’s connected to your Twitter account and I have loved following my favorite bloggers and my favorite business people on there.  I have two accounts, one for my blog called Lifeingrace in which I plan to talk about the same stuff I talk about on my blog and one for my natural health and essential oils group (The Oily Sisterhood) which is just under my name, Edie Wadsworth.  I have discovered the power of pericope by mostly watching so I thought to help you get more familiar with it, I’d do a 30 series there called #dailygrace with short little periscopes with some daily inspiration.

Not a lot of my people have jumped on the  Periscope bandwagon yet but I think it’s THE social platform to embrace and learn right now.  Follow me either or both places!  Here are some podcasts that I love:

  • Issues, Etc—My go-to source for all things culture and faith.  This is by far THE BEST PODCAST for me.  They have amazing guests and topics every week and I can’t imagine my days without this show.  Their coverage of planned parenthood has been excellent and I love their ongoing podcasts on the liturgy and the church’s lectionary.  I spend the bulk of my podcasting hours listening here and my kitchen is often VERY clean because of it!
  • Home Fries—A fun podcast where Tsh interviews lots of bloggers/creatives
  • The Accidental Creative—good for those of us pursuing creative things
  • Hopeologie—My friend Myquillin and her sister Emily have this fun and quirky podcast that I love!
  • The Big Boo Cast—with Melanie Shankle and Sophie Hudson, love these dear friends so much. Their podcast is like the Seinfeld of podcast, a funny show about nothing in particular

What I find when I make a conscience effort to listen is that it helps me know how I can serve my people better.  I learn about their dreams and their fears and their needs.  I listen to be inspired but inspired to DO what?  Inspired to love, inspired to serve, inspired to see my neighbor’s needs and meet them as best I can.

What/who are you listening to today?  I’d actually love to know.

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p.s.  Here’s the periscope replay in case you missed it!