confessions

This Goodbye

August 12, 2013 by Edie Wadsworth 45 Comments

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I’ve been anticipating this day for months. The first day of school. The first day my 7th graders will call someone else teacher. As I drove home from Asheville this weekend, memories of our days together flooded my mind. I came home, collapsed into Stevie’s arms, and asked him how in the world I was supposed to get through this. Somehow, I managed. We spent our day making sure the girls have everything they need. We loaded up their backpacks to the gills and filled out a host of paperwork. We talked about how they should wear their hair and which notebook to use for math and which day to order lunch. It was a precious day. I fought hard to be strong.

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Then it was time to say goodnight.

I started to pray with them, like so many nights before. I prayed that God would give them peace, as they live out their days in a new way. I prayed that He would grow them into kind and gracious young ladies and use them to bless those they meet. I prayed for their teachers and for new and old friendships. I said thank you for the gift of girls, for the hours and years of life together at home. We held hands tight in the dark and felt the weight of this goodbye. Lately, tears are all I have.

I cried myself to sleep, crushed by a sadness that I can’t even explain. I will miss them so much. Life rages on like a river and seasons change. I’ve never been good with life’s transitions.

But, He promised new mercies, so the sun came up this morning and we walked into our new life together, with a fresh start, a blank canvas. There is so much left to paint, so many words left to say, so much grace yet to give—as He writes His story on our hearts.

So, today, I will paint, on that big white canvas, and the colors will tell the story of a momma who is still learning what it means to love and yet let go.

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In a twist of perfect mercy, my two oldest are home with me today, painting, reminiscing, and reminding me that beautiful things happen after goodbye. My gratitude overflows. Thank you for all your notes, texts, emails, messages. You have surrounded me with love and I’m so thankful.

Why I Gave Up Homeschooling

July 29, 2013 by Edie Wadsworth 186 Comments

Why I gave up homeschooling via lifeingrace

How glorious the splendor of a human heart that trusts that it is loved.

Well, first, I blame Instagram. Everything was fine and dandy; we were reading The Iliad and using chalk pastels to paint the prettiest chickens in the free world, when all the IG updates started in from kids at the Classical Christian school in town. There were the adorable 12 year olds in uniforms, laughing it up over chips and sandwiches at the picnic table outside, or the artsy and eclectic 14 year olds snapping selfies and talking about the lasting bonds of friendship made over lattes and art and team sports. School looks cool on Instagram, there’s no doubt about it.

Then there was the look she gave me. I’ve spent every day, all day, with her for the past five years. I know her so well. She didn’t really have to say anything. I just knew it was time. She wanted—she needed to do this. And to me, that’s the ultimate benefit of homeschooling—the deep knowing that comes from the day in and day out struggle for her heart. I have battled many demons in these days at home but the war for her heart was the hardest fought. And the irony is this. I was always preparing her to leave. All the laughter, all the tears, all the cooking lessons and the reading aloud, all the art projects and all the talks about life, all the slow mornings on the sofa with good books and all the hours of studying Latin declensions—it was all training, so that someday, she’d feel strong and capable and ready to do this.

We’ve been through a lot together, her and I. We’ve read hundreds of books, made endless batches of chocolate chip cookies, survived a horrific house fire and 1,825 days of messy, beautiful life. We’ve taken the best field trips and talked for hours about beauty products and the Greek gods. We’ve memorized a thousand lines of poetry and danced around in the kitchen while the ripest tomatoes from our garden cooked on the stove. We’ve studied the Israelites until we feel like they’re our brothers and we’ve prayed the Lord’s prayer too many times to count. We’ve been harsh and unkind and impatient but forgiveness has never been in short supply. I’ve told her four hundred times to stop clogging and tapping so we could finish our book. I’ve prayed that I’d be wise enough to know when the time was right, strong enough to keep going until that day came, and tender enough to let her have her say.

That time has come. These days at home were always precious and always numbered.

If I could do anything different, I would smile more, laugh more, dance more, and read more poetry.

If I did anything right, it was the courage I had to stay and tell the truth, for as long as she needed me. I stayed until I knew that she knew she was loved. She’s sure now and the weight of it crushes my doubts.

Two weeks from today, I will kiss her goodbye, she will walk into the 7th grade and everything about the way we spend our days will change. I’m excited, relieved, and yet, incredibly sad. I look back on the past five years with a heart full of gratitude—for the gift of her days and for how we learned to love and forgive each other so freely. I will miss her terribly and grieving a loss like this will take time. When I think about it for too long, I’m sure my heart will break.

So, I don’t.

We’re enjoying every minute of these last two weeks at home; finishing the tween room, organizing school uniforms and folders and pencils, and holding on for dear life to these vapors we call days.

Why did I finally give up homeschooling and a way of life I’ve so come to love and cherish?

Because she told me it was time.

And I trust her. So I listened.

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when I say *her*, of course I mean *them*

They will both be going into 7th grade so at least they’ll still be together.

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Wonder if they’d mind if I join the 7th grade, too?

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What will I do now, with all this free time? I’m thinking I’ll start with a full on mid-life crisis. Then, I’m sure I figure it out. One thing’s for sure. I’ll still be meeting you here and I’m so thankful for that.

I’ll be around in the comments in case you have questions.

Love y’all. And pray for me. Change is hard.

too long

July 22, 2013 by Edie Wadsworth 46 Comments

I didn’t intend to share this little piece of writing today. But then I thought maybe you were in a storm too.

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On a perfectly sunny afternoon, I climbed in bed at 4pm. Not to sleep but to wallow in the comforts of a heavy heart and a good book. Large, billowing clouds hovered over the horizon like perfect steamed milk. Thirty minutes later, the sky got angry. She does that a lot lately as she ushers in sheets of rain and claps of thunder. I didn’t always see it this way but I think she’s trying to give us a gift. Not just the physical quenching of the thirsty ground but a gift to those of us who have lived our lives defying her, refusing her invitations to stop and hear life’s rhythm and heartbeat. She is trying to shake us awake, to the quiet and rest that only come on the other side of her shouting. The storm is an invitation to stay—to sit in her turmoil, to hear her out, to let her have her say. She has gifts to bring to those who come unarmed.

But I usually build walls.

The rains poured out like red hot tears and I know what it’s like to cry like that—to feel the sting of the washing. Like John Grady Cole (from All the Pretty Horses) I feel like a woman who’s come to the end of something. I know I’ll dance in the rain. But not today. Today, I sit alone and obey the seasons of my heart. I couldn’t move if I tried.

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She rages on for so long. She has my attention but for the life of me, I can’t see anything for days. Just sheets of white hard rain that refuse to relent.

Until.

The tiniest ray of brave yellow light breaks through her stone cold fortress.

The sound is so familiar.

He’s coming for me, burning down everything that separates us. Like I knew he would.

Ashes blow in the wind like the breath of God.

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It’s not your eyes , it’s not what you say

its not your laughter that gives you away

you’re just lonely, you’ve been lonely too long

all your acting, your thin disguise

all your perfectly delivered lines

they don’t fool me, you’ve been lonely too long

let me in the walls you’ve built around

we can light a match and burn them down

let me hold your hand and dance round and round the flames

in front of us, dust to dust

you’ve held your head up, you’ve fought the fight

you bear the scars, you’ve done your time

listen to me , you’ve been lonely too long

let me in the walls you’ve built around

we can light a match and burn them down

let me hold your hand and dance round and round the flames

in front of us, dust to dust

you’re like a mirror, reflecting me

takes one to know one, so take it from me

you’ve been lonely, you’ve been lonely too long

we’ve been lonely, we’ve been lonely too long

I’m at Emily’s place

July 16, 2013 by Edie Wadsworth 15 Comments

I answered a few questions today over at Emily’s blog. Like, “What does summertime mean at your house?” and “What do you collect?” and “What’s your favorite vacation spot?” and she’s giving away my favorite summer accessory. I’ll post a little snippet here and then you can hop over to her blog to read the rest! Also? You should follow her and subscribe to her monthly newsletter. I highly recommend.

What I like to collect:: Books

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I may need a books anonymous program, in fact. I have been a book worm since I can remember. I love classics and I love a good novel. I just finished Stephen King’s book On Writing: 10th Anniversary Edition: A Memoir of the Craft, a little book by Henri Nouwen called In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership, and Resident Aliens: A Provocative Christian Assessment of Culture and Ministry for People Who Know that Something is Wrong by Stanley Hauerwas. I’m half way through Home: A Novel by Marilynne Robinson and Light in August (The Corrected Text) by William Faulkner. I just ordered Beloved (Everyman’s Library) by Toni Morrison and hope to finish The Divine Comedy this summer. There is something magical to me about reading. I love language and love to read the best writers, who were nothing if not masters with words.

Hoarder of books. That’s what I am.

What are you ~~hoarding~~ reading this summer?

Best Vacation Spot::Bean Station

My screened in porch. I cannot tell a lie.

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I sit here first thing in the mornings, to drink my coffee and collect my thoughts. This is where I wrestle with God and learn to live in His love. This is where I think about Diana and Julissa and how such a small sacrifice can mean so much. This is where the manna falls, if I have the patience to wait. Often, I don’t. But this porch is teaching me to sit, to be silent, to come to the world like a child—with wonder and delight and lots of questions. This little mini vacation on the porch each morning can set the day aright.

And my favorite summer accessory that Emily is giving away on her blog today? A straw cowboy hat!

Because everything’s better in a cowboy hat. Amen and amen.

Visit Emily’s blog to read the rest of my answers and to enter her giveaway!
And I hope to be back to regular posting soon!!

Summer Soiree 2013 (aka The Best Staycation EVER!)

July 8, 2013 by Edie Wadsworth 26 Comments

Our week was wonderful and went a little something like this….

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and this…..

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with a little bit of this…..

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and this……. summersoiree5

thrown in for good measure.

Because sometimes, you just need to laugh. A lot. And my people are nothing if not entertaining.

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The kitchen was on her best behavior and churned out a lot of good food.

Like this…..

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and this…..

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The frogmore stew (aka shrimp boil) was my favorite recipe of the week, so please add it to your summer list of things to do. It makes eating into an event, not just a meal.

And the sauces that you make to go with the stew? WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. Don’t get lazy and think you don’t need sauces. Because you do, in fact, need sauces.

The table looked all festive for the week, with her beautiful hydrangeas and bandanas.

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Not to be outdone by David, of course, who likes a little flair himself…

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So, we’re already lonesome for the kids, who left this weekend.

But, we washed all the sheets and swept up the cake crumbs and folded all the beach towels and are ready for round 2 of the best summer soiree staycation ever! (JamieKnoxville and family are coming this week!)

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More on all the food later. I’ve got some awesome recipes to share!!

Hope your summer is sunny and bright, despite the rain (which we’ve had in abundance!)

Mucho love to you and yours!

p.s. I’m speaking at the Becoming Conference in Asheville on August 9th and 10th and I’d love to see you there. Jen just posted the full conference agenda so check it out and make plans to meet us there!!

(I’m so excited about the other sessions that I’m kinda sad I’m speaking. I can hardly wait!)

becoming join me 2013

Sonny and Meemaw and other ramblings

June 12, 2013 by Edie Wadsworth 63 Comments

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Did y’all think I was never coming back? Were y’all scared that I was overcome with anxiety about my trip and changed my name and moved to somewhere rural and remote like Bean Station? OH wait, that’s where I live. But seriously. It is Wednesday and I leave for Nicaragua in FIVE DAYS. Here’s what I have packed so far: nail polish and dishcloths. I’m nothing, if not prepared. In my defense, I have a bunch more stuff laid out in my bedroom beside the suitcase, ready to pack, including, but not limited to a snazzy pair of closed toe shoes. I went with Keen sandals and some Dansko clog-ish type sandals. My girls said I looked weird yesterday when I wore them for practice. I look like I’m trying too hard. Flip flops makes sense in the summer but something about closed toe shoes makes you look twice and wonder, why? Couldn’t you just wear some flip flops like normal folk? (Get used to the nervous chatter because apparently, it’s here to stay.)

I get crazy when I travel and the nervous energy combined with the irrational fears makes me do things like rally the troops at 4 p yesterday to clean out the garage. In other words, one flew over the cuckoo’s nest. To continue my streak, I’m thinking about painting Emme’s new room before I leave. Because that makes perfect sense when you’re to-do list is so long, it makes you wanna dry heave. I try to leave my affairs in order when I travel so naturally, I’ve been stressing over where I should be buried, what casseroles to bake for the family, and who to leave in charge of my bust collection should I perish. These are things normal people think about, right? Zip it. I like living with the illusion that I’m not the slightest bit cooky? kooky? cookie? (Carol points out it’s kooky! Thank you dear!)

To make matters worse, my computer’s been on the blink. Turns out, I need a new battery, which has resulted in two trips to Knoxville this week. A computer is sort of necessary when one is to travel with Compassion to BLOG. Speaking of Compassion, I’m so honored to be going on this trip. We had a twitter party last night at 10pm, which means I could very well have dreamed up the whole thing, because I’m anything but a night owl and 11p feels like the middle of the night to me. But for some reason, it helped to calm some of my fears. Christy and I both were lamenting how late it was and how we grannies can’t be staying up til 11 pm for some such activities. So then, Shaun called her Meemaw and then she called him Sonny, and that was it for me. For some reason, traveling with Meemaw and Sonny doesn’t seem quite as daunting. In fact, it sounds like a blast. I can do this. Right?

And then there’s the wee ones. I’m on the verge of tears pretty much 24/7 but when I think of the little ones we’re gonna meet, my heart beats out of my chest because here’s the thing; I’m not so much nervous about all the logistics of the trip, even though that’s what I’m obsessing about right now. What I’m worried about is the wrecking ball that’s about to crash through my heart. And that’s where you come in. I’d be so honored if you’d pray for us? You are the best internets a girl could ask for!

Let’s pray Psalm 37 together:

Trust in the Lord, and do good;

dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.

4 Delight yourself in the Lord,

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in him, and he will act.

6 He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,

and your justice as the noonday.

7 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him.

(I need to be reminded that it’s He who will act!)

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Okay, more minutiae. Because I know you’re thrilled about the rambling.

1. I can’t decide if I should bring my big camera. I think I’ll regret it if I don’t. I’ve downloaded some cool iphone photography apps in the last few weeks, including Afterlight and Snapseed and VSCOcam and Camera Plus. What are your faves? Would you bring your big camera? (There will be two photographers that travel with us—which is why I would consider not bringing it.)

2. Have you downloaded any Shake! Shake! Shake! from Bronze Radio Return? Great music. Their previous album is awesome, too, Old Time Speaker.

Love Stone’s Throw Away and Sell it To Me and Sticks and Stones and Shake, Shake, Shake!

3. I have the ESV Bible on my phone, along with the PrayNow app. I LOVE them both. The PrayNow app has an Psalm for each day and an OT and NT reading, along with a prayer of the day and a writing from a church father. It goes along with the church year calendar and has been my favorite devotional for the last 2-3 years. You should seriously consider buying it. I’m so glad I have it and don’t need to carry a Bible or a devotional book, especially when I’m always over the weigh limit with my luggage.

4. The Civil Wars’ new album will be out in August but they’ve released one song from it. So good.

5. I can’t decide what books to bring with me. I’ll probably bring Chesterton’s Orthodoxy and Lewis’ That Hideous Strength (Space Trilogy, Book 3), two of my favorite books. Maybe Glorious Ruin: How Suffering Sets You Free, which I haven’t read yet.

6. I’m eating a lot of citrus and taking supplements and using essential oils, in an all out war against all possible illness. I’m vulnerable to any and all Appalachian medicine/voodoo/old wive’s tales. Whatever you tell me to do, I’m liable to do it. I don’t want to get sick.

7. I’m praying to literally take you on this trip with me. I’ll be writing everyday, about what we see and feel. I’ll be writing about His little ones and their poverty and need. I’ll be writing about how He is their only hope and how YOU can help bring Him to them. If you’re ready to learn more and possibly sponsor a child, visit my Compassion link and if you decide to sponsor, you’ll get a free copy of my ebook.

Love y’all! Thank you for taking this journey with me! (I think it’s only fair that you wear closed toe shoes in my honor!)

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