3 ways to give yourself the gift of self-confidence

Tom Tom and I were gone for a week together to Salt Lake City for the Young Living convention.

It was a whirlwind of learning and connecting and pouring into as many people as I could. We met hundreds of new people and I’m so thankful for every one of them for finding us and saying hi and for all the encouragement we were given.

I also noticed that so many women lack confidence. They felt insecure and were unsure of themselves.  They were timid and had a hard time making eye contact.

I think no matter your confidence level, we all have days where we’re not feeling quite ourselves and we can go into an insecurity tail spin.

But being in the presence of someone who is confident and kind and loving is such a gift.

They’re easy to be around. They put everyone around them at ease. They are so comfortable in their own skin that they can focus their time and energy on everyone else. They radiate. They have this vibe and energy that is contagious.

I think that is possible for all us if we are willing to increase our awareness and notice our own thinking about ourselves.

The secret messages that you tell yourself are so important.

In fact, the way you talk to yourself becomes the way you talk to others.

If you are positive and patient and compassionate with yourself, it will bleed into all your relationships.

Conversely, if you are critical and negative and unkind to yourself, it will also bleed into all your relationships.

Your relationship with yourself is important and taking the time to be curious about and to be willing to change it signifies that you are willing to grow.

Self-confidence is cultivated.  Self-confidence is just the thoughts you choose to think about yourself.  Notice, I said CHOOSE.

My question is—are you deciding what those thoughts should be or are you letting your brain run wild?

Self-confidence is a gift that ONLY YOU can give yourself and when you decide to make it a priority, it’s a gift that you give the world too.

It’s doesn’t mean you know everything or are good at everything and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re arrogant and self-serving.

Self-confidence is basically your ability to handle your own self (your thoughts and feelings and emotions) in any circumstance and you get better at doing it by practicing.

We will talk about recognizing the value of YOU—seeing yourself the way God sees you, practicing your confidence (learning that you are in charge of your thoughts and feelings), and owning your frailties.

[1] Acknowledging your value

You are a child of God. You are inherently as valuable when you are born as you will ever be. You do not need to earn your place, you cannot make yourself more valuable by what you do or contribute. You are loved by the God of the universe and His love makes you forever and always precious and enough and beautiful and perfect. You don’t need to wait until you get married or have a baby or write that book or get that job before you “qualify” as someone who can have confidence. You already have EVERYTHING you need within you and YOU are the one who needs to practice believing it to your core.

You also have a your ego, your sin nature—the you that wants to constantly prove yourself and compare yourself, the you that’s afraid and doubtful and full of insecurity. This is the sneaky part of you that in the name of protecting you from being hurt, tells you that you are less than and not as good as the next girl. When you are letting this voice rule you, you are not living from your truest self—your deepest essence. You are listening to the wrong voice.

Your highest self knows that you are made in God’s image and that you have always been just right. Listen to the still, small voice that reassures and comforts and encourages. Listen to the voice of love and humility. THAT is the voice of God’s spirit in you and when you learn to show up for YOURSELF and for others with that voice in your head, you are one contagious and attractive person to be around. Self-confidence becomes a gift, not only to you, but to everyone blessed to be around you. Since you are comfortable in your own skin and know who you are, you make everyone else comfortable around you. What a gift!

Practical: Make a list of 25 things you like about yourself. Be curious and not so critical. This might seem hard at first but it’s totally worth it if you are someone who is always putting yourself down.

[2] Owning your frailties

Last week when we were out of town, I was feeling particularly vulnerable. I was traveling alone with Tom Tom and I was very hormonal. Every person who approached me to meet us and show us love and kindness brought me to tears. I must have cried ten times the first day. At first, I was mad at myself. Why am I so emotional? Why does every interaction feel so raw? Why am I feeling so vulnerable? And then I remembered that I’ve had a rough few months and I let myself off the hook. I’m emotional. So what? It’s kind of endearing, at least to some people. I’m flawed and sinful but I’m also the perfect version of me. I’m forgiven and I am learning to walk in grace and humility, even when I feel like I’m too much or not enough.

Being confident doesn’t mean being good at everything. And it certainly doesn’t mean being arrogant. Hardly. It actually means having the humility to know that there’s still so much to learn and so many ways to continue growing. It’s good for us to own where we are and how much farther we have to go. But we can’t let our brains use that as evidence that we are unworthy.

Our brains have been wired to look for the negative things in our world to try to keep us from danger. Unfortunately, that has often led us to these loops of negativity that we’ve let run wild. And even more unfortunate, the target of these negative thought loops are often our own selves. To reprogram that, we have to tell our brains what to think about us. And when we do this and begin to tell ourselves the beautiful truths about who we are and what we are created to do in the world, that positivity spills over into everything. We begin to see everyone else in that same, positive light and we begin to radiate the light that is within us, making it easier for others to do the same.

So, instead of beating myself up for being too emotional, I reminded myself that I’m tender and compassionate and easily moved to tears. Just as true and a much better story to tell about myself. Now, it’s your turn. What is negative, perhaps awful story you tell about yourself. That you’re not motivated? That you’re too heavy? That you never get anything done?

Listen, those negative messages are poisoning you against you and they’re also making it almost impossible to generate the positive emotions that you need in order to take ACTION in your life. Tell a better story and just see the magic unfold.

Practical: Name the most painful thought you have about yourself—something that causes you to feel shame or causes you pain in some way. Right it down. How does thinking that about yourself make you feel? And how do you show up in the world when you feel that way? That is probably a thought worth examining and changing. How can you change that thought to something that serves you better, that fuels more motivation and passion and less shame and paralysis.

[3] Practicing confidence

Now, this newfound way of talking to yourself will seem weird and wonky. Jordan Peterson said in his book 12 Rules for Life to treat yourself like someone you’re responsible for helping. And I know you would never treat your friend or family member like you often treat yourself. So, you’re going to need to practice.

The old, nagging voice will keep trying to have its say. You decide now that you are going to have your own back—that you are going to remind your brain that yes, you struggle with many things, but you are God’s child and you are loved and you are willing to keep practicing this skill of showing up with your whole self, faults and shortcomings and gifts and all.

Self-confidence is more about knowing that you can handle yourself in any situation—that you can manage your mind and emotions and have your own back. And the better you get at that, the better you get at taking care of others around you too, because you’ve gotten good at taking care of yourself first.

The skill of feeling confident won’t come overnight. But EVERY LAST THING in your life will get better when you learn to live from a place of confidence, humility, and love—first for yourself and then for everyone who is blessed to have you in their life.

Give yourself this gift.  You’re the only one who can.

To watch the video on this topic, click here!

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