“Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses.”~C.S. Lewis
I spoke at a women’s conference last weekend, which besides being a wonderful place of inspiration and creativity, can be the scariest place on earth.
A conference where 550 women descended with their cute shoes and their cool jewelry and their beautiful hair. I have never struggled with insecurity much. I’m not plagued with self-consciousness and I’m pretty sure I’ve been too insatiably curious about other people to worry too much about what other people thought of me. I realize now what a gift that is. I came to the conference with good friends and other than having to speak, I was just happy to be there, to see old friends and to meet new ones.
Until I walked into the cafeteria alone.
My group was already in there eating somewhere and I knew from a text in what general direction they were sitting in the room. But I walked into a large dining hall carrying my tray and unable to find my people and I had a moment of anxiety. I remembered watching my son do this in 4th grade in his first day of public school as I watched from outside the cafeteria doors. I saw him with that same look of anxiety and panic. Who do I sit with? Where are my people? Do I have people? I was 8 months pregnant with my 3rd child at the time and so hormonal that I started sobbing for my son. I went to find a teacher and ask her if she could help him find a seat. Now, here I was, the girl who is almost never insecure in social situations, feeling that old anxiety that we all know so well. Like being in 7th grade all over again and worried sick about how and where and under what conditions I might fit in to this impossible group of people before me.
When I found my people, I met Kari for the first time. And you know what she did? After she made us laugh hysterically about her size 12 jeans, she sat right down and told us about her struggle with weight loss. I wanted to cry. She made herself so vulnerable to us. It was a beautiful thing. But that’s so rare, isn’t it?
The truth is, this anxiety we have about being with each other doesn’t end in 7th grade. We all wish it did but 7th grade girls became middle aged women and sometimes it seems like not much else changes, in us or them. We’re competitive and fragile and often downright mean. But behind the unkindness is often just a paralyzing insecurity.
It was a good life lesson.
So, before all my talks I gave my pep talk about how to get the most out of conferences, which seems to apply to almost every social situation I can think of.
I started the pep talk by showing this picture.
I’m pretty sure I even thought I was cute back in 1984. The mullet, the acne, and the knee high tube socks tell a different story but I say never let a good mullet go to waste.
That middle schooler is still lurking around in all of us. (Yours was probably cuter, but whatever.)
The one who so desperately struggles to be herself. The one plagued with insecurity and self-consciousness. The one who abhors lunch time because the prospect of finding someone to sit with is so overwhelming. The one who is always feeling like she doesn’t measure up—she’s not thin enough or cute enough or smart enough or popular enough.
So I encouraged the people in my session to turn this all around. Because at the end of the day, our self-consciousness and our insecurity often just lead to self-centeredness. We’re so worried about ourselves that we forget why we’re here–to bless and serve others. I encouraged them to go into these (often scary) situations with an others focus. When you train yourself to focus on other people, you don’t have time to worry about all your insecurities. They evaporate. They become shadows instead of giant obstacles between you and your neighbor.
Think of situations you face everyday where this applies and remind yourself that this is not about you. This is about them—learning to see them, worrying about them, wondering if they’re okay, meeting their needs however we can, finding them a place to sit among the crowd. I train (more like harp on) my daughters to do this too. They’re both in middle school so I know full well how hard this can be.
So, there’s your pep talk.
Turn your insecurity into blessing by training your inner 7th grader to stop worrying so much about herself and instead turn the table and the spotlight and the energy towards her neighbor.
You’ll both be glad you did.
Beautiful beautiful beautiful. It took me almost 40 years to really internalize that self consciousness is a form of self centerdness, and the change has made me look back on so many chunks of my life with shame. Remorse, you know, that I hadn’t reached out better. And what did I miss by being so closed off?
Now it’s a whole other story, although once in a while I still feel those cold prickly feelings from other women (we are the worst to teach other).
I am sure your talks melted hearts, Edie! Thanks for sharing. xoxo Hope you’re feeling good after the weekend of family changes. Hugs from Oklahoma.
Sending you love and hugs, Marie!!
This p
Oops darn phone on that earlier comment. 🙂
This post was for me! I’m the insecure girl stuck in 7th grade and you are so right — it keeps me focused on myself and not what I can do for others. I’m such a work in progress and need reminders like this one. 🙂 thank you!
My sentiments exactly, Candace.
Me too, Candace!
Mucho love!
xoxo
I think we had the same hair style back in 7th grade. I think women would seem nicer if they could let go of their insecurities. I went to church this weekend with weird hair thanks to a dye job gone bad. I could have refused to go because it would be too embarrassing but then I realized that they’re my brothers & sisters and I should be most comfortable with them. (I’m sure some folks couldn’t figure out what I was thinking…)
I love you, Edie but stop making me cry, mmmK? (of course my boys started College, 5th grade and 2nd grade today… lol). Love this.
xoxo
Awww, hard day, mama! xoxo
Great post, great lesson! Thanks.
Your words were a true gift to me today. So incredibly true! Thank you.
Mwahhh!
I was always the shy, quiet girl and still am today. It is still hard for me with a group of ladies. This really spoke to me, thanks!!
Like Kathy, I was, and still am the quiet girl. I have just recently found your blog, and this post will definitely keep me coming back. Beautiful 🙂
Love this post today, Edie! We just moved into a new town. My boys start a new school next week and we are all going to be making new friends. I am nervous for them and for me. I will be keeping these words close as a reminder.
Amazing how this comes at the right moment for me! Thanks Edie.
Thank you for this Edie, and you have been such an inspiration to me since I sat in that auditorium the other weekend and listened to the words of wisdom that came out of your mouth. Thank you for being who you are and sharing that with so many women. I have 2 kids who will be in middle school tomorrow. While they attend a very small Catholic school, and while they already know everyone there, there’s not a lot of issues with confidence right now. However, my daughter told me that there will be 4 new kids in her class this year, so I made sure to tell her to make every effort to make them feel comfortable and invite them into their circle of friends…especially at lunch time! I remember myself being a new kid in high school, and walking into that ENORMOUS room full of kids, it’s extremely intimidating. I will definitely worry about my eldest son next year as he moves onto high school…but we won’t think about that right now. 🙂
By the way…my girlfriends and I have a new moto when we’re pondering ideas, solutions, life questions, etc……WWED (what would Edie do)? :_D
OH you doll! Thank you so much for sharing.
Sending ALL my love!
xoxo
Love this! I was at the Becoming conference with my daughter and we both loved your session. Thank you for being such an inspiration. By the way, you gave a link during that session for the conference participants and I can’t find it, can I trouble you for it again? yhatcher@yahoo(.)com
Thank you so much!! Here’s the link!
https://www.lifeingraceblog.com/becoming/
All my love!
xoxo
I couldn’t help but nod, laugh & tear up a bit at this post, it’s so true. I know I’m guilty of putting to much focus on me and not enough on others because I’m worrying to much about how I’m being perceived (liked or not) by others. I often do my best to down play this in front of my 7th grade daughter. I know she’s pretty neat and not perfect, that she just needs to be who God made her to be and not worry with the others, but it’s hard.
I hate that I ended up missing Becoming, was so looking forward to meeting you and hearing what you had to share. I was to attend and had invited a friend to join me, but she was unable to attend and after numerous problems at home, the 7th grader in me said just stay home, you don’t really know anyone. It’s funny I had a vision similar to the the lunch room, but it involved every room at conference, walking in & have no people…I think in the end it’s what kept me home most and I didn’t think I was like that…sounds like I really missed out.
Thanks for sharing,
Blessings to you!
Awww, so wish you would have come, Sarah!
Maybe next year.
Mwahhhhh!
xoxo
So awesome!! Love this and really needed. It’s about Him and not us. So enjoy your posts and always send them off to my sisters and girlfriends.
Thank you so much, Jessica!
🙂
Edie, thank you for the perfect post! You are so right, this is a pep talk that we all need to hear from time to time. And you perfectly put into words what I wanted to tell my getting-ready-to-start-high-school granddaughter recently (except we had only about a one-minute window for the conversation that day, and I just didn’t have the right words at the right time).
I can’t wait to share your gift with words with her! Blessings to you! 🙂
Sound and true!
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This couldn’t come at a more perfect time. I’m headed out to a new-to-me women’s Bible study in a large conference room of 100 participants tomorrow morning by myself. Will be others focused thanks to your spirit-filled reminder. Thanks, Edie!
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